What you won't do for love 'You still matter to me'

The tide of life sweeping me away

Hello, I rarely post on here anymore, with 10's of 1000's of blogs, bloggers, I barely make a dent in anything, and that's why the title of this post is 'The tide of life is sweeping me away', and that's the truth.

It's sweeping all of us away, but when happy, one just doesn't notice it as much.

Like dying, I mean is it really more comforting to die with people around you than alone?

Dying is a lonely process regardless, and as one who is not loved, I think I'd prefer dying alone.
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Xmas is tomorrow, so what.

Anyways, not much to say right now, and if I did it wouldn't matter, as the tide of life is washing me away.

The guilt of sexuality

Hello

Years since I've been on here, sucks how 'stiff' sign in is, they use old number which you may not have had for months or years....anyways...the title of this audio blog is 'The guilt of sexuality'.

God programmed into us 'attraction towards others', yet man spends time making 'us', 'you' ect, feel guilty about that which you're attracted to...makes no sense, or does it?

Listen and get more confused...lol...

https://www.patreon.com/posts/23151804

To me, at times, 'God' is a monster, and a cruel one at that.

To me, 'God' is a monster, and a cruel one at that, or so it seems to me at times.

Like waiting years to buy winning lottery tickets, then they just magically vanish from car to place of residence.

To me, God is cruel, always really has been if study religious books carefully.

Seems either in favor of 'god', or 'the gods', or are not, and behavior, ethics, character, seem to have little to do with it.

Seems 'god' or the 'gods' either like you are not, and your own individual behavior seems to have zero to do with it, is why so many people of rotten character always seem to flourish, while those who are innocent in character, do nothing wrong, have irons hanging around neck.

Tired of the game, if god wants to kill me, than should just do it, instead of forcing me to live a life of lost dreams.

Saturday nights forever still??

Everyone chooses a time in life from past, that most comfortable with, and wants to stay in that 'spot' forever, like a ghost lingering around in home, house or castle, long after time and people have past them by.

And that's often how I find myself feeling now, more and more, in that whatever concept I had of America, the heartland, or heartland types, that kind of 70's generic drive in theater culture, it all seems gone now, and only exists in my head.

But again, everyone is different, there's so many factors that effect ones quality of life, the ability to engage in life, and see life as an exciting spring, regardless of age.

Some of those factors are whether or not one has

1. Love, if not loved, than life can seem grey

2. Family, if engaged in family, than again, life is more enjoyable as you tend to live life through the younger generation and their joys and awe of the world

3. Friends, friends play the role of family in keeping you up beat and positive about things, and engaged in new projects all the time

4. Health, being healthy also factors in big time.

If don't have any of the above, than can easily feel like a ghost at times, just wondering through 'Time and Space' until expired.

Right now, my Saturday nights are very 'grey', there are probably Senior Citizens that have more fun, and socialize more than I do on Saturday nights. My Saturday nights are now spent hunkered down, alone and by myself, and not really sure why.

I'm healthy enough to were could get up and out and go get into things, but chose not to.

(My situation is a bit more complex, and has to do more with 'identity', being in area where others whom look like me, embarrace the hell out of me with their behaviors and mannerism, as such even though place way more racially mixed, than where I was raised, I feel more socially isolated here than ever did where I was raised)

All that aside, 1, 2, 3, from above list, insulates 'one' from the ugly realities of life, cause when loved, have family and friends, they boost your esteem, give you confidence and as such don't have time to worry about how others view you.

Love, family and friends, insulates you from a lot of social BS, that without Love, family and friends, find self very keenly aware of.

Saturday nights can still be wonderful for those who have the above, regardless of age.
But if not, than Saturday nights just become moments of reflecting on the past and then writing about it through old pictures taken years ago.

Her feet, His hands 'Kong'

Here feet, His hands 'Kong'

Here feet, His hands

A scene from 'King Kong'

I love this scene in that there's no greater physical sign of trust, submission and humility than for this woman to place here delicate bare feet in the hands of Kong.

When you give up 'your feet', you give up the ability to roam, to run, to hide, when you give up your feet you're totally at the mercy of the one you give them up to.

Like the saying 'The lifted me off my feet'.

When you give someone your feet, you're totally trusting them to do right by you, and in this scene here she's totally trusting King Kong to do right by here, and he, or the Ape does just that.

Foot fetish types will understand this post more than others will.\

For those who value thy feet, feet are a sign of grace and wonder.

Also, I love the contrast between Kong's black leathery palms, and her white tender fleshy feet, the contrast is amazing to me.

Contrast is art and art is contrast.

For her to place her tender feet and body into the hands of a beast 500 times stronger, is contrast.

And it's sometimes only through contrast do we learn lessons and or see things more clearly.

God is either evil, has zero power in this world, or doesn't exist

God is either evil, has zero power in this world, or simply does not exist

Either there is no 'god', at least not a good one, or if such a god does exist has zero powers on Earth, or god is 'bad', an entity that enjoys pain and watching others lives get destroyed.

I've never felt this strongly about it before until today, in that I wonder why, if a god that is 'good', would allow ugliness from your past to resurface, a person who is hell and brings hell with them.

I never could understand why ugly rotten things are always drawn to that which is good or tries to be?

And I've learned this, ugly rotten things, humans, people, cannot change their stripes, no matter what.

An ugly person can become a 'Christian, and their ugly nature will still shine through again eventually, they can become a Muslim, a Monk, almost anything, and eventually their ugly rotten nature will rise to the surface and simply use new medium as a way to exploit and hurt others.

You can try your best to run away from these ugly people and they always seem to find you, as if fate runs them into you again, or just their will to torment.

But regardless of how they come off at first, their ugly nature is just beneath the surface.

When you're sharing, they're simply taking notes on you, to use stuff against you in the future.

Evil people study you for your weaknesses, and then move in to exploit those weakness any way they can, and I'm sick of so called 'God', if such even exists, always allowing ugly people to enter my life.

And Time and Space has taught me that you just can't reason with ugly and evil, your words of wisdom and friendship have zero effect, just flows through them like vapor.

They will pretend to understand simply as a way of earning your trust, then when you open up, their ugly nasty side comes out, and from then on they begin degrading your person, character, physical traits and anything else they can destroy about you, sometimes with subtilties, other times with plain out right angry words and or physical.

The ugly seem to only thrive around the good, you see this dynamic everywhere in life.

The bad always flows towards the good, you see it in immigration, you see it in how criminals always target the innocent and more.

I'm just tired of it, tired of evil.

Tired of a supposed god that always allows evil to trail the good.

I don't even think god can change that which is evil, I think all god or nature can do is eventually destroy it, but not change it.

Fading 

As predicted here...http://twylightzone.boards.net/thread/90/manning-bunch-bradley-chelsea-more

As predicted earlier by posts in link, the allure of being a glam queen while serving out prison sentence would soon lose it's a appeal to the young Manning.
It's hard enough doing time as a straight male, it's even harder when trying to do time, around other males of varying maturity levels and backgrounds, while trying to transition into a female, as Manning was trying to do.

It's one thing when in and out of court, pre conviction, and lights and cameras following you around everywhere, saying name and face in papers around the world, on TV ect, but it's another cold reality once behind bars and hidden away from all, buried and forgotten, your world changes real quick.

No more glam, no more favored attention, no more hair and beauty products readily available to use, no more privacy or retreating into own social group for support, all that gone, now you're in prison around street guys with no class or ethics, who simply see you as 'meat'.

Once in prison, these guys, other prisoners, aren't phycologists, and don't care why you want to become a female, all they see you as is meat and a freak to be used and or exploited for personal gain.

For Manning, at first it may of been 'fun', different, to be the focus of so much attention, and or even be flirted with by some and or more. (Since after all they were trying to transition into a woman in a all male facility, so of course that aroused the 'lust' of some in there)

Lust, but I doubt very little respect, and even Manning, as a human, needs respect and dignity to help give life meaning, and sadly in prison I doubt there's any of that, cause once 'used', just seen as meat or a tool.

Then add to that women require a lot of upkeep, especially guys trying to transition over into a woman, always trying to bury their manly traits behind make up ect.

Some males, do to DNA, 'can pass', already, they're already feminine or 'petite' enough where they don't need much cosmetics, but other guys need a bucket of paint to 'pass' for female.

Regular gay guys do not, in that regular gay males aren't 'fem' or trying to be, in fact most regular gay guys are repulsed by anything fem, and is why they're gay.
But cross dressers or trans, on the other hand, get their identities from being 'fem', and being fem required upkeep, and if denied that upkeep, can be hard on a fella who wants to be fem, but can't.

It is in the news that Manning has made at least 2 suicide attempts, so obviously their current conditions are really depressing them, nothing to look forward to in near future, just living around basic minded males with basic needs, prison needs, prison egos, gangs, criminals, killers, thieves and more.
I always thought it odd he'd announce his transitioning into a woman right before going to all male prison, and I found it stupid, and careless to do so.
Now they can't 'hide', and can never try to be a 'male' again, cause in prison they won't allow it, and will always see Manning as a 'punk' or 'sissy', regardless of how they look on the outside.

Been following this story for years and still interested in how it turns out.

Assisted Suicide

I never understood why you can be ignored all your life, mean nothing to anyone, then suddenly when want to die, activist fight to prevent that.

They didn't love or care for you while alive, didn't care if you thrived or fell, didn't pay your bills, avoided you in public, judged you when healthy and able to get around, and now during final days, or months of life, want to extend your misery?

As if a week before death, you will somehow then and only then

'Fulfill Gods purpose for your life?'

Really?, as if a week or months before death will come up with cure for cancer, or write a novel, but couldn't do neither while young and healthy..hmm

God totally ignored your aspirations when younger, then 2 weeks from death, suddenly will fulfill all your dreams will doped up on pain killing drugs?

Life is good, for those who want to live, for those who are loved, never been without love, but not everyone has that experience.

Not everyone can afford a Doctor, medical care, and simply die at home naturally anyways do to lack of being looked in on.

If that time should ever arrive for me....well, everyone has to make that decision on their own, and for own reasons.

Black arts vs Prayer, why some struggle

Black arts vs Prayer, why some struggle

If one was raised as a Christian and in a Judeo/Christian society, than one, from early on, has learned how appauling the 'black arts' are, voodoo, magic, witchcraft, sorcery, ect.

The bible clearly warns against dabbling with such notions or material.

That being said, what would drive one to do so anyways?

I have some possible reasons.

1. When many Christians turn to God for help they expect the usual burden to fall on them to absorb the behavior of whomever or whatever is annoying them, to 'soak it up' and 'Ask god for patients and Love'.

But after years and years of abuse by the world or another, often times this remedy wears the believer thin, very thin, and after a while the believer just wants instant justice 'now' and gets tired of hoping, wanting and believing justice will only be rendered in next life.

And as believer ages, and reality sets in, believer starts observing around the world that many who are tyrants seemed blessed with riches, many who lie seem to get ahead, many who hurt others seem to go unpunished while they continue to suffer and struggle through life, constantly being told their reward will be in next life.

And then many believers, as they age, begin to wonder if there is even  a after life at all, as well as other doubts of the biblical narrative.

Most believers, or even previous believers, want to do good, be good, and follow the path and moral examples Jesus left behind, but every day physical real life circumstances can make this difficult for some.

Especially those who aren't constantly surrounded by a loving family or church congregation.

In the news, believers and none believers alike read the same headlines of Christians being persicuted around the world, slaughtered by Muslims, or shut down by various Governments from worshipping freely. 

Accidents where buses full of Christian returning from event suddenly veer over cliff and explode upon impact, or in personal life when honest and upright, yet one lie by another destroys reputation and good standing, I could go on and on with events that make it appear to a believer that there really is no justice or God that loves them, and if God does love them, or us, seems his love is unable to effect any outcome on Earth.

Seems as believer or one who wants to believe, constantly asked to bear the burden of other peoples bad, intrusive, annoying, bullying behavior, and that it's all a 'test' of your faith, while the person testing you just seems to flourish.

Everyone has a breaking point, and man is not God, yet Christians are expected to behave like God even to own physical detriment.

Soon patients and faith worn so thin, don't even feel like a Christian anymore, but rather a worn out rag of nerves.

Now enter the 'dark arts'

That room or realm told from childhood not to enter, but why, cause maybe it actually works?
If something didn't work, was ineffective and not real, why would be constantly warned to stay away from it or it's supposed powers?
Well sometimes your patients runs out, observe you're getting older, beauty or looks beginning to fade, hopes of triumphing on Earth, beginning to fade as every day ordinary real life begins taking hold, and now all there is is someone constantly annoying you, or many within one environment constantly annoying you, driving you to the edge of sanity, and no amount of belief in a loving god shuts them up, or makes them leave, so one day out of desperation and frustration you do turn to the dark arts and half heartedly wish harm onto another or others that are causing you such distress.

You're nice, so as a Christian, or one with loving nature by default, you're defenseless, for when you ask people to 'stop', they could care the less and actually get more rude or loud out of arrogance.
You've learned trying to reason nicely with people bred to be monsters is near impossible and so you simply wish them away, and leave the details up to 'the black arts'.

You're almost forced into that spot, can't move, can't leave, so something has to be destroyed in order for peace to come about, is how you reason it in your mind.
Well you know God won't destroy nothing since in your mind god is about Peace, and loving those who persicute you, in fact to god you're the one who's out of line for not having a subdued enough nature to be able to ignore those harassing you, so since you can't 'soak it up' than made to feel guilty, while those harassing you never asked to changed by god or anyone else, they're allowed to be and behave as animals or worse, yet you're suppose to sit and take it all like a saint, even though own life is jarred.

The purpose of this post is not to justify anything, but rather to explain how one can slip into the dark arts arena will one feels defenseless to combat aggressive or rude people around them who lack all sense of courtesy for them and could care the less about their mental well being, as such some can be enticed to turn to the dark arts as a defensive mechanism.

To call upon forces, real or not, that are more than happy to settle scores in the hear and now, rather than waiting for justice in some after world, that may or may not exist, that you may not even be apart of, can be gratifying, if not out and right theraputic for those who feel abandoned by god and love.
You ask god to help you, nothing, told to love the one causing you harm, but in your mind when you ask the 'dark arts' to help you, they don't hesitate, and jump at the chance to inact instant justice that you can see while still alive.
Sorry, but that instant feeling of relief can be gratifying for the one being tormented by unruly people or person.
Take a Priest vs a cartel gang member...you ask the Priest to help you cause later that night some people are coming to beat you up, the Priest just sprinkles oil on your head and asks you to bear it, tells you as you're getting beat down to bear it, and to love those who are kicking you in the face.
So then you go to cartel gang member, and tell them you need help, and that night as bullies, or rude people on their way to harass you, their car blows up and rolls down a cliff, and blows up again with flames leaping 40 ft in the air, problem solved.
But obviously the danger of that scenerio is 'evil' always wants more and never does favors for free, and people are warned the spirit world is the same way, there's always a 'so what are you going to do for me now' attached to the deed.
And that's the red herring of the black arts, or so most are told, is not that it doesn't work, but rather the debt dark sinister beings who carried out your wishes, will want from you.
Evil never helps you out of sense of 'good', and then just walks away, if so it wouldn't be evil, it would be angelic.
Evil always expects something in return, a payment of some sort, and if can't satisfy that payment than it turns on you, or so people have been warned.

Anyways, long post, but had to get all that off my mind for others to read, relate to.
There's no answers here or moral conclusion, this is not Sunday school, this is real life where people struggle with real issues, you have to decide what's right and wrong based on the type of person you are or want to become.

 

'First 48' TV detective show, makes you never want to befriend anyone and just stay home alone in isolation.

Watching all these new reality, real life, detective crime shows kind of makes you weary of ever making new friends.

Many of these shows episodes tend to concentrate on lower income, street level, communities, or the working poor, or minority homicide cases.
Basically the kind of people or communities most who watch these shows exist in.

I mean whats disheartening is many of the people in these shows, whether they be the victims or perpatrators of crime, are the types you work around, see in the store, just every day working poor types that are everywhere.

And when you follow these cases on TV, like in the one show 'The first 48', I'm always amazed at the 

the trivial reasons people will 'kill' you over, and then after words when being interviewed by detectives act so nonchalant about it. I mean it just makes you not want to ever make new friends anymore, in that whom can you really trust?


From watching these shows, seems people who earn less than $30,000 a year are more likely to commit homicide against someone they know, or just met.

Don't know if it's fair for these shows to always focus on cases involving younger Afro American males, but they do, maybe cause it's more 'sexy', people always seem more intrigued to watch if the villains are 'black'.
But watching really makes ya never want to befriend any black male who's street, unemployed and single, cause according to these shows their only aim in life is to rob, steal, dominate and kill, and show no remorse when caught, as if lacking any kind of concious.

It's weird to think many of us work around people like this, that if they could would choke you one night or worse, and just leave your body, simply cause you invited them home one day, and they observed something they wanted, and so then come back later to rob you, but trojan horse their way into your place as a friend.

It's no wonder I stay to myself so much now.
There's just a lot of soul less people roaming around out there who wouldn't think twice about offing you over $300.00.
It's why in the hood or hood area, I open my doors to no one, it's the isolationist type of life you must live if you want to survive. Sadly the modern urban population just doesn't value life anymore, not theirs, not yours.

The people these shows focus on are just out and right scary.
I'm glad U.S. has enough Governmental resources to have so many police departments and detectives to go after these animals and bring them to justice.
Creatures living among us, just makes you wonder why they were born, born just to grow up and end up bloogoning another over $20 dollars, or bad drug deal, or for being slighted in an argument.

If that's what friends do to you, I don't need any friends, and will continue being a loner, at least while in this area.